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She’s always late. She usually misses the first period, or the first subject in the morning. It doesn’t matter to her. It’s homeroom. It usually consumes 10 minutes. She enters the classroom after homeroom. After the teacher is gone. And the next teacher is on her way to do Math lessons. She hates missing math. It’s the only subject that she loves. And maybe History too. She hates English— the teacher rather. She’s the most annoying teacher she ever had. Favoritism—that’s probably the best word for her action.

She would came through the gate by 7:00 and so she has ten minutes to stroll and look around. As all the teachers and their respective students have homeroom classes, she’s strolling around. Her favorite spot is the swing. At the back of the Elementary building, there are five swings there. They are big swings. They have roofs and seats inside. And she loves hiding inside. She knows that the Dean of Discipline would come trotting around and would look for her. But he doesn’t know her haven. This place, where she can have all the silence that she needs.

It was this first ten minutes that usually help her to make it through the day. She’s here thinking— of excuses, grunts and even lame answers. This is her salvation from this school, where everyone has to follow the status quo. And the strata for the society(f*ck this is not a society, it’s a school), and she’s at the bottom.

She’s here because of the scholarship given to poor children. POOR Children. It was her brand— the poor student. Her hand-me-down clothes, bargain shoes and crap notebooks. She’s not a topnotcher. But she knows, she’s better than those brats around her.

Maybe life is really unfair. And she needs to live for another day. She doesn’t hate her life, she hates how society has treated people of her class, as if it was the old time.

And maybe somehow, somewhere down the road of all those rejecting stares and glances, she’ll be able to feel comfortable and maybe, just maybe, she can face homeroom without hate or grudge.

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April 24, 2011 at 2:54 am Leave a comment

Unicorn

I never used the term “Unicorn” to describe something so good, so ethereal, something unreal that we would love to have. Maybe because I get hooked up on different social networking site that I was infected of using it. But, I still get that uneasy feeling whenever I use that term. Not that I don’t like it. It sounds cool. Believe me.

And then, someone posted something like “He’s my unicorn.” And explained that he was someone she was dreaming of for a long time. It hits me. Well, I’m in love my dear, so I usually post or always post here love-life-related posts. Back to what hits me, it just came to me that he was something like that to me too. Maybe that’s the reason I’m always afraid of losing him. I do. Always.

Is it bad? I’m not saying that it’s bad. I love him. And maybe that feeling of being afraid of losing the one you love is usually normal. Maybe it’s the distance. I’m always paranoid. To clear your mind, we’re thousands of miles away from each other. And it’s six months that we’re in a relationship. It’s not easy. We have the hard times, and it’s more difficult because of the distance(i said it again. LOL). And we also have a lot of sunny days. Happy times.

If I had the power to transport and be with him, I can be the happiest person alive. I wanna make this work. I really want us to hit anniversaries, dates, movies and other things normal couple does. But we have to wait. We really have to wait. And sometimes it drives us crazy that the next thing we know is that we’re fighting on silly things, on small things that doesn’t really matter. And sometimes we’re tired of each other. We would break up. But, when everything is calm. We restore the relationship. Pick up the little pieces and try to continue. We don’t start from scratch. We always continue.

I think I can perfectly say to myself that HE is my Unicorn. Someone that I have been dreaming of. Someone I want to be with, but of course we need to wait. So this time, he is still my unicorn. Maybe when we’re together, finally, he’s gonna be my husband. He’s my boyfriend and my unicorn. Sooner, I hope so, he’ll be my husband.

April 22, 2011 at 4:22 pm Leave a comment

Dreams

It was not the first time that I dream of you. But that one was surely something that bugged me. Well, I wasn’t able to tell you about it. But in case I may forget about it, I’ll just post it here and tell you about it later.

You came for a visit at home, it was an afternoon. You were wearing a black jacket and has a backpack. I came running. Hugged you tight. I missed you. I can feel it, soaring inside of me. Telling me not to let go. But, you let go. Speechless. I just stared at you as you got out and came back with a woman. You introduced her as you wife. I didn’t believe what I heard. I looked at you, trying to figure out if you’re joking. What are you doing in my house and introducing someone as your wife?

I was angry and at the same time hurting. I ran. I ran and didn’t looked at the girl. I don’t want to think that you found someone else.

I ran and I can feel my heart racing like crazy and my eyes filled with tears. I stumbled. I closed my eyes. And felt the wet pillows. It’s already morning. X_x

That was a weird one.

April 16, 2011 at 4:30 pm 1 comment

Frustrations

I really wanted to be a writer, not because I have a lot of friends who are writers.

Ever since I was young, I love reading books and is always amaze as to how those writers were able to make the words so powerful that they do ignite  my imagination as a child. I wasn’t able to be given the fair chance of reading good books when I was younger. In our library, there were no good books to read. All you see are thin story books with scribbles of the children that had brought it home with them. I’m not into comics at those time. I prefer a single figure in each chapter and a lot of words.

I help myself with old books that we have at home. They were donations. Not that we’ve been flooded, but my cousins wouldn’t throw their books and instead give them to us along with used clothes, stuffed toys and anything else that they would not want for themselves. It was an act of love, I hope so.

And so, it was in high school that I started to taste good books. The private school where I enrolled, with the help of a scholarship, has a big library. I was ecstatic at that time. I would spend almost all of my time there. To smell the books. To feel the books. To wander in the library for hours and read random books of my choice. It wasn’t easy to borrow books at that library, you need to bring a Manila paper to cover it and hand it to the librarian for checking and recording. I hate the manila paper part. Or maybe of covering the book part.

I don’t go home for lunch. I don’t have enough money for the fare. So instead of using the money for fare, it was added as my allowance and I’ll bring my “baon.” I know we’re not rich and it doesn’t matter to me. Class difference can be felt from where I studied. It was a school for rich kids, the only school for rich kids at our small town. I guess you need luck and a scholarship and some sacrifice to be able to study there. Well, I was there. Maybe I’m lucky. Or maybe we’re rich, just kidding.

During lunch break, I would wander inside the library. I even discovered the best part of the library at the back. It was a section full of old books. And the thing I love the most is that each books still has their library cards. I swear I’ve seen old names and old section names in there. I tried to stay there for a long time, but I have an asthma that time so the trip to that part of the library is limited.

I started my journey with reading with Nancy Drew. I feel sorry for myself at the beginning, or was I envious ? I’m reading Nancy Drew together with the elementary students because I didn’t have the chance to read it when I was younger. I tried to speed up my reading pace, I’d borrow two books at a time and would give it back after a week. Reading at home is not that welcome especially that there are household chores to do.

Our normal sleeping time is 8pm. Tv is not always present. It is usually not in a good condition  so it’s not a hobby for everyone. I would stay up late until 10 pm or 11 pm just to read books, depending on the severity of the fun and the interest I have for the book. But of course, I need to control myself about it. I don’t study in advance, my scholarship is not merit-based. It was given to me because I came from an elementary school of the government. Cramming has been a friend to me, ever since I was sent to school.

After reading 10 to15 books of Nancy Drew, I finally started reading novels of authors I don’t really know. I can hardly remember the names of those author, but I can still imagine the cover of the books and the way they were written. It wasn’t easy to read books with 500 pages with small fonts. It was tiresome, but at the end of each story, of each book, I crave for more.

I want to be a writer because I want to write a dedication, this is the sensible reason I have.

 

April 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm Leave a comment

6 Moons!

6 months. We made it this far. And hopefully, more to come! 🙂

Our relationship may not be perfect, but through these imperfections we were able to weigh if this relationship would work or not. And the six months of being together is a living proof that we can make it work. And I’m happy to say that I’m the happiest person for having you.

It may be weird for some, but for me it’s perfect. We will have our own share of being together in the near future. As of the moment, let’s just enjoy what we have. And wait patiently for the perfect day to come to us.

I’m always here. Remember that. And I’m glad that though we are miles apart, we’re still sure of what we feel for each other. 🙂

Happy 6 moons. Happy 6 months of loving and being loved. More to come. And more. Until forever is exhausted of counting months. ^_^

April 7, 2011 at 3:03 pm Leave a comment

A little History

Last night I watched “50 first dates” and realized that life is so unfair. Just kidding! I realized that memories are important, Lucy in the movie has something that made her so special. She lost her ability to convert short-term memory to long-term memory when sleeping, so when she wakes up, she thinks that it’s a Sunday and it’s October 13’th, the day of her accident. It’s weird how her father and brother, sets up everything from the birthday cake up to the pineapples and even white walls for her to do her October 13th regular activities. But then, when Henry came into her life, things started to change. She mets him everyday. On some days, he won’t even have a chance to talk to her, on some, she’s the jolly and in love Lucy. The difficult part is how to get Lucy’s attention so that they would met. It’s weird how Henry tries to introduced himself without getting tired of it, it happens everyday.

And so he used a video tape to remind Lucy of everything every morning. But then, he would also make her fall in love every day. It’s weird, but it’s sweet. And so, they had their 50 first dates, 50 first kisses and a lot of firsts almost every day.

I was glad that life is not that cruel to us. My mother had an accident almost 11 years ago, she was comatose for 3 days and she needs operation for blood clot on her brain. Luckily, she remembered everything. Not a single memory was lost. And for that I am thankful.

From this movie, I realized that memories are important. And we should take good care of them. I wonder what would happen if I would lose any memory of my friends, families and of every single person that  I love the most. How will I ever remember them?

I don’t have any journal or diary. That was not a part of my childhood. I’m into writing short stories but then I lost them all and journal is definitely not part of it. So, maybe even if it’s late to do it, I need to start writing things. So that, if things get rough or things get a little out of my hands, I can check this blog and maybe remember some things.

April 3, 2011 at 1:02 am Leave a comment

Of Ambition and Madness– The Black Swan

Nina, played by Natalie Portman, is a woman who wants to be a successful ballerina. But, in the numerous crowd wherein everyone is good and everyone is special, it is quite difficult to stand out. And so Nina tried to be perfect, in every ways and in every step that was taught to her. She won’t stop until she feels that she is perfect enough. She would give up everything or she would do anything just to have what she wanted. She trained hard and her mother supports her. But later, in the movie it was seen that her mother wants to erase all her frustrations in life through Nina.

After some random things that happened and the kiss between Nina and the director of the play, Nina got the role as the white swan and the black swan. Being the white swan is easy, she can move perfectly, everything is perfect for the role. But, e when it comes to the black swan, Nina cannot get into this character, due to the fact that the black swan is someone that is perfect in her imperfectness. She must be someone that is not restricted by movement. She moves freely and she’s seductive. Nina on the other hand embodies the character of the white swan, being the black swan is a far more greater challenge than anything.

And so the transformation from the white swan to the black swan is quite challenging than ever. Her depression in becoming the black swan got mixed up by the rivalry and everything that went through her head, that she ended up being the best black swan that she could be. Everything became clearer at the end of the movie, as the white swan committed the infamous suicide, Nina lay there with her scar.

The perfection that she was dreaming of for the Black Swan came true. But the price for it is also great. It’s her ambition, and human as we are, sometimes we tend to be at the edge of our madness just to get something that we really think that is far more important.

The movie taught me a lot of things. I’m not saying that we should be like Nina in every way, but Nina had showed us that we can all dream and make them come true. But we must also remember that we should take some time to stop and smell the flowers. Have fun in life, make the most out of it– these are cliché, but we must always remember them. Ambition is something that we have to fuel us to become someone we want to be, but it must not come to the level of being mad. Madness on the other hand is not good, as death came to the protagonist in the end of the movie.

March 7, 2011 at 7:44 am Leave a comment

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